“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” *

I miss my Nana.

I still have a lot of trouble with her loss, more than I let people know. I find myself getting misty-eyed and tearing up when I think of her. She was this amazing woman, hilarious, the “life of the party” kind of gal. The things I remember about her overflow my mind sometimes. I have pictures of her from when she was young, when she met my grandfather. She was a beautiful woman, and my grandfather was incredibly handsome. They married young and had 5 children and lived a wonderful life together…

My missing her has made it difficult going to visit my grandfather because their place – his place – still has Nana all over it. It takes everything inside me not to break down when I see him, it’s even more difficult when it is where she used to live.

Lately I find myself thinking about Nana a lot more. Just thins morning I felt the need to go and see her obituary again and re-read all the entries in her “guestbook”. I cried, of course. She was so loved…

I believe that all these emotions are hitting me more than usual because in two weekends a majority of the family is going to attend my Nana’s burial. We didn’t do it when she passed because it was winter and there is a specific place she was to be buried. I’m unsure of how I am going to be.

An emotional creature by nature, I don’t do well in situations like this. My Nana’s passing has affected me more than any other I’ve experienced. My grandfather on my mother’s side passed away years ago when I was in grade 8 (could have been grade 9). It hurt, it made me sad, but I wasn’t the same person then I am now, and it didn’t affect me in the same way. I miss him too, as much as I can from the memories I’ve retained all these years. I sometimes wonder what things would be like now if he were still alive. I think he would have loved my daughter, she has a way of winning over everyone’s heart, and she is a true Italian, and loves her pasta. I can sometimes picture him teaching her how to eat penne “properly”, using his fork to pick up the penne by sliding them onto the tines. That’s what he used to do for me and my sister. I still remember how he held his fork…

It’s funny how little things like that stick in your head…

I was perusing through WP blogs to see if I could find any words that would maybe help me, fill me with some sort of hope that these emotions and feelings will get better, and I read this on Leanne Penny‘s blog:

Nothing can make up for the absence of someone we love and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute. We must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first but at the same time it is a great consolation.  For the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap. God does not fill it but on the contrary keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other even at the cost of pain.  ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Oddly enough it does bring me comfort, it consoles. I will not fill the void left by the loss of my Nana. I never want to lose my connection to her. I sometimes think she is trying to reach out through things I say or even through my daughter.

She recently told me she “had a dream about Nana Maggie, and that she was in a beautiful red dress, and she had red hair (which I don’t believe my daughter knew about her) and she looked young and pretty”. She went on to describe my Nana’s hair in her dream, and it made me think of a picture I have of her and my grandfather from year ago. I showed it to my daughter and she reacted by saying “Oh my gosh, that’s just like in my dream”. Could she really have dreamed that up, or am I hoping too much that somehow my grandmother had something to do with that?

I miss her very much. I always will.

I love you Nana, you are always with me…

* This quote is one that was found on a headstone in Ireland, the author is not known.

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3 thoughts on ““Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” *

  1. I lost my step farther two years ago this week. I have always believed that are loved ones are always around, to comfort us, and remind us to continue to live our lives to the fullest. It will get easier to see your grandpa and your nanas things. It really does take time. If you need to be sad, than be sad, but don’t wallow in death. Live the life your nana would have wanted you to. I’m sure nana was just dropping in your daughters dream to say hello. Just know she is always around for you.

    1. Your comment has brought me (once again) to tears. I miss her terribly, and I am sad. Like you say, I will not wallow (or at least make a big effort not to). I wonder a lot if she is proud of me, if she thought I turned out to be a good mother. I like to think yes.

      Thank you for your words Whitney. You’ve brought me some comfort in this “darker” day.

      1. Of course she’s proud of you! I hope your days get better, and remember you’re not alone.

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